#MeToo噶瑪巴性濫權之第一篇回憶錄 The First Memoir on Karmapa's Abuse
噶瑪巴與我的第一次真實性關係回憶錄
Memoir on my First Actual Sexual Relationship with the Karmapa
(For English, please scroll down.)
在此，本人鄔幸兒謹交代與噶瑪巴的第一次性關係事件的前因、經過及其影響。
首先，本人就第一次性關係的事件敍述其遠因及近因。
1-遠因
1-1-教徒盲目崇拜個人
2000年，第十七世大寶法噶瑪巴鄔金欽列多傑（ “the 17th Karmapa Orgyen Trinley Dorje”）離開西藏，為了弘揚佛法流亡到印度。據說噶瑪巴是鄔金蓮花生大士的化身 、觀世音菩薩的化身，與未來賢劫第六佛獅子吼如來。對此，我深信不移。那時，在我心中，噶瑪巴，是我永恆的精神伴侶。雖然我從未親見噶瑪巴本人，但我對噶瑪巴深信不移。2011年7月，我決定辭去教務，去印度尋找我生命中最重要的那位聖者——噶瑪巴。在印度Dharamsala 上密院，我想不到那麼容易就能見到他，晉見噶瑪巴時行三頂禮，並說出想出家的願望。噶瑪巴沒反對我出家的想法，見了好幾次後，有次我們在上密院圖書館談了半小時，噶瑪巴問我拿電話號碼。
1-2-噶瑪巴主動打電話
回到Sarah College，翌日早上8點正，噶瑪巴來電，他第一句話「昨晚天氣不好」，我知道是他，當我想要說「法王」時，他馬上叫我不要出聲，別叫他的名字，那時我說「現在要上課，你明天再打來，謝謝。」我跟德國女同學分享了剛法王來電的喜訊。第二天同樣時間，他來電，說：「最好不要跟別人說」他要我去Dharamsala 買internet bar，要我連線上網，然後我買了。他打電話來，叫我下載Skype，他說帳號是soul.boy.99
1-3-噶瑪巴主導虚擬性愛
我們以Skype視頻連繋，我倆的房間都沒有別人，像二人獨處一室。想不到他第一句問我：「你什麼時候愛上我？」「吓？！」我想那應該是宗教的愛，非世俗的愛。我說：「我沒有愛，我對你的是信心，你是上師。」我們談雙方有多少兄弟姐妹等，突然問我有沒有男朋友。他說他沒有做過愛，在美國就只有一個金髮女吻過一下，他好像很不滿意受到性方面的約束。談了很久，他往後翻倒在床上，四肢高舉，做出一個翻滾的動作，表示自己很慘、沒有自由那樣。他突然提出一個要求：「妳可以脫衣服嗎？」基於對密宗上師的愛慕、尊重與信心，我毫不猶豫地脫衣，然後他也脫光，彼此玉白相見，他要我用左手自摸下體，並想像我的手是他的。他問我是否舒服。他也自瀆。我心想他為何在我面前自慰？他是否愛上我？若是世俗的愛，我想勸他，但我想他可能需要藉此減壓。我們那晚談了很久，倆人網絡性愛，最後關上電腦，各自睡覺。
2011年至2015年，大概發生有十次左右的視頻或電話性愛。這些虛擬性愛過程最完整時是有次序的，首先是他叫女方躺下，脫掉所有衣服，他叫女方想像他親她的臉、親咀巴、親耳朵、親脖子、親胸部，親胸部時要用口水揉自己的乳頭，然後親肚臍，口水揉肚臍，然後想像他慢慢地「放進去」，然後他要我「叫」，每次當我沒法叫出聲時，他幫忙呻吟「啊、啊、啊、啊、啊⋯⋯」接著，說「快點」，然後說抱抱、親親，完了之後就叫我「好好睡」或者「早點睡」、「晚安」。有一次，在2015年，他還教我如何自慰——用右手的一根中指插進去。我當時說：「有指甲，我怕弄傷。」他就讓我先剪指甲。他以視訊，示範一根中指插進去後如何向上摸。後來我上網查詢，那目標地方稱G點。
1-4-噶瑪巴送女生禮物
此後，二人以Skype聯繫著師徒與男女朋友的關係。雖然我2012年3月剃髮為尼，聯繫始終沒中斷。噶瑪巴送給我的珊瑚念珠除了是象徵愛情的信物，亦是具有宗教意義的加持物。
雖然噶瑪巴不鼓勵我學戒，但在他的鼓勵下，我在印度、尼泊爾努力學習藏文和佛法，2014年始在尼泊爾創古度母寺佛學院內學習，考獲第三名後，繼續學業，然2015年尼泊爾加德滿都大地震，經歷從三樓往地下赤腳逃生，地震後與尼眾擠在帳篷中居住，生活情況極度惡劣。噶瑪巴發來訊息：「先回去香港」回港半年後，噶瑪巴又命我回尼泊爾，我慬遵師命。2016年，我隨寺尼去印度朝見噶瑪巴，他送我一盒Vitamin C和六字大明咒七彩木陀螺。
2017年，我參加菩提伽耶的祈願法會，有段時間他安排我每天到他身邊工作，幫忙寫皈依證。2017年3月，我身體健康狀況欠佳，離開印度回港休養，並住在漢傳的寺院裡。我一生中到那時，一方面感到他是慈悲的上師，一方面覺得他對我有情意，但這正造成我理性與情感上的矛盾。
1-5-噶瑪巴不予聯繫
自從2017年的3月份噶瑪巴致電給我後，我再沒收到他的訊息。他知道我住在顯教的寺院，說我很厲害。我不知有多厲害，這只是我和漢傳佛教的緣份，沒有接觸藏教之前，我已接觸漢傳佛教。2017年5月8日，噶瑪巴於香港時間凌晨1:02及1:14打了兩次電話來，但沒人說話就掛線。此後也再沒有他的音訊。日子日復一日地過去，我一如既往地發訊息給他，可他音訊全無，但我並沒忘記他，心中百感交集，黯然神傷。我開始懷疑他的愛和承諾——曾經承諾過我「每天聯繫」——說過永遠愛我、「凡事有阿哥」。那時我經常想起2012年1月23日早上，他位於印度達蘭薩拉的上密院時，我身處印度達蘭薩拉Sarah College——當時，噶瑪巴以視頻致電本人，十分認真地雙手合十，說：「希望永遠在你身邊。」我一直相信他的言詞，但我還未覺悟到那是一個謊言。
當我沒收到噶瑪巴的訊息時，我仍然依舊不斷發訊息，但始終沒回音。於是，我想了斷我們不正常的關係，並發誓受比丘尼戒，從此守戒，當一個真正修行清淨的僧人，發願不再於愛欲之中沉迷下去，誓要與他一刀兩斷。
1-6-噶瑪巴不准女方受戒
2018年2月16日，農曆年初一，終於有了噶瑪巴的消息。我的法友寶觀將我求受比丘尼戒的事告訴法王，並請他在那份填寫好的求受比丘尼戒表格上簽署。我在香港等待他簽名， 可是，受戒的願望破滅。噶瑪巴沒同意我受戒。
1-7-噶瑪巴傳呼女方去美國
噶瑪巴傳呼我過去美國，說愈快愈好，還說他一年沒有收到我的訊息。剛巧一個法友——Wanda——想我帶她見法王，她贊助我來回機票。那時，我找到法王身邊做事的人Tashi幫我傳遞訊息，法王也托Tashi傳達訊息，說我去KTD就對了。於是，Wanda和我一起申請美國簽證，三月尾，我們到了紐約。
1-8-噶瑪巴與女生調情
我和友人Wanda才剛剛到KTD，晚上12時正，我收到法王電腦工程師Tashi的訊息，說法王叫我翌日早上8時去Mohegan Lake的一個湖屋。我們在湖屋裡等到差不多下午1點，法王出來進餐。他讓我和友人一起坐到他吃飯的桌子旁。我和友人坐到他的右手邊；他坐在主席位。他吃的是齋菜和冬蟲夏草。旁邊放上一樽維他命B和一樽中藥丸。噶瑪巴一邊吃飯一邊跟我們講話。我的友人坐得遠一點，她的左耳是失聰的。他先問我的友人是誰。友人聽不清楚法王的話。於是我在他們中間傳話。
噶瑪巴突然停止咀嚼，手勢示意讓我靠近，他用十分溫柔的聲音輕輕地跟我說了一句話：「以前你不聽話，以後你要聽我話。」噶瑪巴的意思是以前他叫我不要出家，但是我沒聽話。此外，噶瑪巴表示如果我去受比丘尼戒就是「太可惜了」。我和Wanda吃完飯後，噶瑪巴讓我和友人上車，跟隨他的隊伍去紐約市。我們先跟他的工作人員去了車行看Benz 七人座。
之後到了一個位於Whitestone 的房子，我沒事做，就坐在廚房的一個隱蔽處，坐在椅子上盤腿打坐。突然，他拿走我的眼鏡戴上了。我的友人Wanda看得目定口呆。噶瑪巴告訴我打坐時，我裙子要怎樣摺到腿下，之後他示範怎樣摺。我向他合十敬禮時，他雙手包著我的雙手。接著，噶瑪巴去廚房和那位叫Ashley的北京年輕女生玩Bingo Chess Game，我就在附近打坐。噶瑪巴一邊跟Ashley下棋，一邊轉身跟我談話。
我問他：「你最近好嗎？」
他說：「還可以。」
我問他：「最近你有沒有……」
我就停下來，問不出。
我是想問他，最近有沒有自慰，和再問他最近有沒有女朋友。我想問這些問題的原因是：他總是在網絡性愛的時候自慰，而且他以前說過我是他的「女朋友」。但當時我沒說出口，然後上廁所，繼續打坐。
後來，噶瑪巴拉我的手走進大廳，大廳原本坐著的人都走開了，剩下了我倆。他讓我坐在他身旁，輕輕地在我耳邊問了個問題：「你有沒有想我？」我大聲地說：「有！」他禁止我大聲說話。然後我歎道：「但是那個人已經死了。」我的意思是，以前的他已經不存在了，因為他已一年沒聯繫我。之後，我們本來去吃私房菜，但是他帶着我們一隊人在門口等了五分鐘以上，噶瑪巴就不等了。友人說法王發脾氣。法王帶着我們一隊人在寒冷的街道上走。我人生中第一次在冰天雪地的黑夜裡跟著噶瑪巴和他的隊伍在街上走 。晚上差不多十點還沒有吃飯，我們到了The One酒店，酒店門口有一群阿尼和信眾手持哈達等待法王，噶瑪巴臉色突變。噶瑪巴最後讓我和友人在房間裡「叫room service自己吃東西」。我感覺累了，於是回房休息。
1-9-女生蠢墮感情陷井
在酒店裡，我想到2018年3月11日立的誓言，要把屬於噶瑪巴的珊瑚唸珠供養回法王。那時，我知道我將來應該好好地做比丘尼，所以應該把這訂情信物歸還他。我認為應該要跟他了斷，決定好下一次見到他時把珊瑚唸珠歸還。當時，我心想唸珠還他，我就可以放下心頭大石。那時我想：今後各走各路。於是2018年3月28日在KTD，一手把珊瑚唸珠還他，說了一句：「我成全你！」友人看到噶瑪巴當時目定口呆。他說了一個日期，之後，我們再去他那邊。
2018年3月30日那天，他讓我在湖屋等他回來，我問他甚麼時候回來。他回我：「一個小時之後。」當下，我想這不可能，他肯定到太陽下山才回來。他也讓Ashley留在湖屋等他回來。這北京女孩心情很不好，看她一邊開電視，一邊拿手機不斷地打字，可能她是傳訊息給他。我想她應該本來是跟他外出的。我在湖屋等到太陽將下山了，噶瑪巴果然很晚才回來。他說他要見客，所以遲了回來。
2018年3月30日晚上八點左右，噶瑪巴讓我和友人進去他住的房子裡。他關了門，房子只有我們三人。我的友人進去是為了請教佛法。友人問完問題後，噶瑪巴問我有什麼問題。我無言以對。噶瑪巴突然打斷我，說：「你的下裙穿得不對啊。」我問：「怎樣不對？」他說：「不是這樣穿的。」我問：「應該怎樣穿呢？」然後他讓我進他的睡房。
進去他的臥室，見到的是一張又高又大的床，還有他掛在牆上的的內褲。在房間內，我倆解開了腰帶，他示範給我看怎樣穿下裙，我還是不懂如何正確地摺，問他：「怎樣穿？」他在我的身後幫我摺裙子，然後緊緊地挷起腰帶，然後他很溫柔地從我的身後把我抱住。我轉身抱著他，我倆開始親。我問他：「你有沒有其他女朋友？」他不回答我，我再問他幾次，他也不肯回答。突然他說要出去忙，他所謂的忙是去廚房煮菜。他差不多到廚房時說：「今晚的月亮很美。」接著，有人馬上拍月亮的照片獻給法王。
接下來我所見到的，是Ashley偷偷地哭，直覺告訴我他們之間有不尋常的關係，心想知道為什麼法王每天讓Ashley到湖屋。之後，噶瑪巴和Ashley一起煮食。我也想幫忙煮點，噶瑪巴跟我說：「你懂嗎？你都不懂煮。」他哄Ashley，要我走開。看到他們身貼身站在一起，輕聲細語，我便走遠看電視。之後，我又再走進廚房看他。他仍然和Ashley走得很近。我坐到他身邊，幫他弄金菇卷。
那晚，我問他為何去年整年沒回我訊息，他說：「我沒有收到。」我側問他：「你是不是故意的？」他搖頭說：「不是啊。」「你是不是不想聯繫我？」然後，他突然裝出一個可憐的鬼哭臉。
那晚，他跟我說，他不會常常煮菜，就吃一次吧，以後再沒機會吃的了。我就坐下，對面是Ashley，法王在遠處的主席位吃飯。法王炒的那些菜放久了，已經變黃，我覺得很難吃，但是也一定要吃下去。當時，我想這是上師加持，一定要把它吃完。我吃菜時，他大聲地跟Ashley批評我：「你看她修什麼？！她修空性！兩手空空！！！」他的話令我後悔還他念珠。然後，他又不斷地說我是「香港最有錢的阿尼」。其實，我根本沒有任何存款，身上有多少現金就是我所有的錢，我連信用卡也沒有。而他說我「兩手空空」，是諷刺我既沒錢也沒珊瑚唸珠吧。當時我的心情被他的話和行為擾亂了。很晚了，噶瑪巴安排了酒店房間給我和Wanda。因為思緒太混亂，那天晚上，我沒法睡覺。
1-10-噶瑪巴樂於挑釁女生
第二天，2018年3月31日，早上，我和友人再去湖屋。那天早上，我看到我的珊瑚唸珠連袋子，在吃飯枱上。他們的菜汁往下滴到裝珊瑚唸珠的袋子上。我問我的友人：「為什麼我的唸珠在這裡？」我的友人說：「法王送了這條唸珠給Ashley。昨天她已經拿在手上，你沒有看見嗎？」
心想這唸珠，我保管了六年了，雖然本來是他從西藏到印度時戴在脖子上的唯一的唸珠，但是這六年來，都是我戴的，是屬於我的，甚至我的外太曾祖母臨終時，我用過念珠。雖然它是信物，但是我也視它為加持物。平日，這唸珠陪伴我走過大江南北，去印度、尼泊爾等地，曾陪我跨越死亡邊緣。馬上，我從桌子上拿走珊瑚唸珠，放到自己的包包內。
到了大概下午一點，法王出來吃早午餐了。我見到他時就跟他說：「我已經拿回珊瑚唸珠。」他然後說：「拿不回的了。」他坐下吃飯時，他讓我坐下，我開始流淚。我說：「我後悔了。現在我不想還你唸珠。那麼多年了，它一直陪著我。」所有法王的工作人員包括Ashley，也都往我這裡注視著。
我說：「我覺得你已經變了。」
他說：「我覺得是你變了。」
我只得哭泣，眼淚往下滑。
他說：「啊。你昨晚沒睡覺，有黑眼圈。」
我只不斷流淚。
法王突然停下來，不吃飯。他離開坐位，起身走進他的房子。回來的時候，他手上拿了兩件東西出來，說要換我包包裡的那串唸珠。兩件東西：一個是一串新珊瑚唸珠，一個是他戴了很久的手錶。
噶瑪巴說：「這串珊瑚唸珠，很貴的，比那條更好。」但我不願還他老珊瑚念珠。那手錶帶太鬆了，他用叉子，調校手錶帶的長度，親手幫我戴上，還說了句「無常啊」。我還是不願還他那串古老的珊瑚唸珠。
他接著說：「這條唸珠，換三個禮物。第一個是新的珊瑚唸珠，第二個是手錶，另外第三個明天或後天給你。」聽完之後，我還是不想還他唸珠。於是，他一聲令下，叫他的Tashi把我的包包弄來。Tashi聽命行事，把我的包包捧到主人面前。
法王想開我的包包，於是我喊著說： “No. This is America. I have privacy. Do not open my bag.” 我誓死捍衛我的念珠。於是我和他搶包包。Tashi 在主子旁邊都幫不上忙，法王差不多要連人帶椅往後倒下了，幸好Tashi救駕，扶著法王。在場所有人看得瞠目結舌。
法王瞪大眼睛往上朝我，說：「你很大膽呀。」我說：「你怎麼可以送給別人？」他說：「我沒有送，只是借唸。」我說：「你答應我，以後不要送給別人。」他答應我。我說：「你發誓。」他再瞪大眼睛往上朝我，說：「你很大膽呀。」他說：「好，你不還給我，我不跟你說話。」
於是，我不得不從我的背包裡抓出那串有歷史價值的唸珠還給他。但是裝唸珠的袋子，我沒有還他，那個袋子是他2017年裝Adarshah大藏經 USB手指送我的。於是，我只拿回唸珠袋，那串珍貴的珊瑚唸珠最後還是還他了。
那天搶不回念珠。法王讓我們第二天再過去湖屋，我們可以退掉KTD的房間，搬下來住 。
於是，我們動身回KTD收拾行李，準備搬到法王家的附近去。法王幫我們安排了Uber，我們走到門囗、快要上車時，法王和胖子侍衞並排地從橋的另一端，跑到我的這一端。他說：「這樣跑步，對身體好。」還說，明天或後天會給我第三個禮物。但是，他沒告訴我第三個禮物，具體是什麼東西。然後，我們上車。
1-11-噶瑪巴朝令夕改
2018年4月2日，下午一點多，法王出來吃早午飯了。我問他：「我的回程機票是明天飛的。我是不是要留在美國？」他反問我：「我不是已經跟你說過留下來了嗎？」然後，他帶我到大廳一處沒人看到的隱蔽地方，他以一根手指輕輕地觸碰我的下巴。他在我耳邊輕輕問：「你今年幾歲？」我回答：「我比你大一歲，我八四年出生的。」然而，法王一直以來給我的信號是想讓我長期留在他身邊，2018年4月2日下午時，他跟我說：
「留下來美國。」
可是我告訴他我和香港佛教聯合會有一份服務協議，有工作還沒有完成。他一邊聽，一邊繼續吃東西。忽然，用筷子畫我的眉毛，說「好看」。突然，他很認真地跟我說：「我會供養師父『一千萬美金』。」我和友人不約而同地合十，並感謝法王。他說：「供養seafood」
其後，噶瑪巴讓我與友人再跟隨隊伍逛街。他去了一間賣眼鏡的名店看太陽眼鏡。Ashley穿起時尚黑色英國短裙風衣，戴上墨鏡，跟貼法王，幫法王選購眼鏡。法王試上一個個墨鏡，顯出帥氣一面。那一幕，我看到的是型男和型女。我只好遠處觀望和傻笑。突然間，法王示意讓我過去。我不好意思地走到他跟前，他突然改變命令說：
「你還是先回去香港吧。」
他問我為什麼拿著外套，我說：「因為天氣寒冷。」
1-12-噶瑪巴喜撩新女
我們繼續逛街，去了一些賣美術文具用品專賣店裡逛。看到Ashley幫他選鋼筆筆頭，她的表現相當專業。我當時看到他和她的手碰來碰去，所以跟著看。他再走回頭，小聲但嚴厲地跟我說：「你走開。」那時，我想起2017年在印度，他也是這樣借工作為名對我摸手摸腳的。我於是問他：「你的Skype我加不上，我們沒有聯繫上。」他說：「你為什麼要跟別人說？」我說：「因為我焦急。」他說：「焦急就跳河；不焦急就等死。」同一句話，再說一遍：
「焦急就跳河；不焦急就等死。」
然後，他再把一個塑膠製的蒼蠅，放到我的手裡。那時，我想衝出馬路，讓車撞死。我現在覺悟到那是一種教唆自殺的語言暴力。晚上，我們一起去吃中國菜，Ashley很自然地坐在他身邊。他不斷地開各種的玩笑，包括叫我飲酒吃肉。噶瑪巴還點了羊肉給我吃，我沒有聽他的。後來羊肉，保鑣他們吃光了。我的豆腐飯，吃完了。我努力地當自己是初次認識陌生人這樣談話，我也變得虛偽，強顏歡笑。
1-13-噶瑪巴善獻殷勤
吃完飯，我們回湖屋。Ashley像工作人員可以隨便進湖屋，我和友人倆被禁止內進。可是，我倆的行李在屋內哩。法王幫我搬行李，我跟他說：「明天早上九點，你會出現嗎？」他說：「會啊。」然後，他抓住我雙手，往後拉，跟我說：「你這個壞東西。」然後噶瑪巴像給犯人帶上手扣般，押送犯人上車。那晚，回到酒店已經很晩，我們趕緊時間休息了一會，第二天須早點起來去湖屋見噶瑪巴。
基於上述的種種原因、經歷及多年來的情感關係，本人並沒有及時切斷與噶瑪巴的情感瓜葛，反而變得愈來愈迷惑於對噶瑪巴的愛，因而促成其後噶瑪巴與本人繼續發展其親密關係的緣起。
2-近因
2-1-噶瑪巴使開保鑣侍者
由於有各種遠因背景、糾纏不清的情感關係，當面臨即將要分離的事實，雙方或有依戀或有不捨。2018年4月3日，我和友人Wanda倆要離開美國，啟程回港。我們早上9:30到了湖屋。事發地點在紐約Mohegan Lake噶瑪巴所住的房子——咖啡色的私人湖屋內。早上十點左右，法王出來帶我們進他的房子。所有他的使者、保鏢都被關到他的咖啡色房子的門外。房子內只有噶瑪巴、友人Wanda和我。
2-2-噶瑪巴善造無人空間
在房子的客廳裡，友人向法王請了關於修持白度母的法。傳法後，他讓我掃他的 LINE Scan code。他走進另一個小廳中撫弄他房子內的古箏樂器，我也跟著亂撥他的古箏。後來，他讓我進他的睡房，隨後他跟上便把門關上扣好。
3-事件經過
接著，睡房內只有噶瑪巴和我，我倆開始擁抱、親吻，他當天只穿著下裙，沒有穿著內褲或任何長褲或短褲，行動十分方便。他脫掉我的褲子，並把我推到床上。他在我上面，隨即與我以傳教士體位發生第一次性關係。他動作很快，並沒戴安全套，我感到下體疼痛。或由於怕友人獨自在客廳久等，他匆忙地離開睡房，獨留我在他的睡房内。我穿好衣物後離開他的睡房。及後，友人Wanda、噶瑪巴與我合照後，噶瑪巴命人載我們去機場。我和友人拿著噶瑪巴的工作人員所做的午餐便當上車。噶瑪巴與胖子保鑣一起送我們，我們互相道別。噶瑪巴跟Wanda說他們今生會再見，跟我說下生再見。豈料，他的預言失準，Wanda已於2018年12月去世，那天是他們此生最後一次見面，今世已沒有再見的機會；而我則在2018年5月再次與他見面。
4-影響
4-1-精神困擾
發生性關係後，我內心有很多思想掙扎，因性愛行為與清淨佛法相違，我反省自己的所為，實有不道德且違反出家戒之處，因而感到十分困惑和後悔。當我極度迷失於對噶瑪巴的愛時甚而想到自殺，自身精神受到極大的困擾。雖然本人並不是比丘尼，但我感覺到這樣做是不善的，因此受到精神上的自我道德譴責。
4-2-被逐出寺門
回到香港後，我跟兩位法師坦承與噶瑪巴所發生的性關係，結果我被逐出寺門，不得與僧團共住。我在大殿的佛前懺悔並發誓永不復作，從此制止。
與噶瑪巴第一次性關係的緣起、經過概況與影響述完。
其他輔助證據：
噶瑪巴渣男真面目之一：第一次性愛後鬧分手
https://youtu.be/f6C9LW66Edk
Memoir on my First Actual Sexual Relationship with the Karmapa
Here, I would like to explain the causes, the process and the influences of the first sexual relationship with Karmapa.
First of all, I’d like to describe the remote causes and proximate causes of the first actual sexual relationship with the Karmapa.
1-Remote causes
1-1-Blind Faith to the Karmapa
In 2000, the 17th Karmapa Orgyen Trinley Dorje left Tibet for India in exile in order to promote the Dharma to the world. It is said that the Karmapa is the incarnation of the Guru Rinpoche, the embodiment of the Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara, and the sixth Buddha of the eon, the Buddha named Lion Roar. I have deeply believed in it. At that time, in my heart, Karmapa was my eternal spiritual companion. Although I have never seen him in person, I trusted him completely. In July 2011, I decided to resign from my teaching career and go to India to find the Karmapa, the most important person in my life. In the Gyuto Tantric Monastery, Dharmsala, India, I never thought it was that easy to meet him. When I met the Karmapa, I prostrated three times and I expressed my wish to be a nun. Karmapa did not object to my idea of being a nun. After several meetings, we talked for half an hour in the library of the Gyuto Tantric Monastery. Karmapa asked me to give him my phone number.
1-2- Karmapa Initiatively Made Phone Calls
I went back to Sarah College, at 8 o’clock the next morning, Karmapa called me. His first sentence was “The weather was bad last night.” I knew it was he. When I wanted to say “Fa Wang (Dharma King in its meaning),” He immediately told me not to speak out and call his name. At that time, I said, “Now, I have to go to class. You can call again tomorrow, thank you.” After that, I shared this happy news with a German female classmate. At the same time the next day, he called and said, “It is best not to tell others.” He asked me to go to Dharamsala to buy an Internet bar and asked me to connect to the Internet, and then I bought it. He called and asked me to download Skype. He told me his account number is soul.boy.99
1-3-Karmapa Dominated Virtual Sex
We connected with each other by Skype video call, and we were in our rooms where no one else was around, like two people spending time together alone. The first sentence he asked me was: “When did you start falling in love with me?” “What?” I thought that was a religious love, but not a secular love. I said, “I don't have a worldly love to you. I trusted you in religious love. You are my guru.” We talked on the topics regarding how many brothers and sisters there were, but suddenly he asked me if I had a boyfriend. He said that he did not have sex before. In the United States, there was only a girl with blonde hair kissed on his right cheek. It seemed that he was very dissatisfied with the constraints on sex. After talking for a long time, he fell back on the bed, raised his hands and legs and made a rolling action, indicating that he was miserable and not free. He suddenly made a request: “Can you take off your clothes?” Based on the love, respect and faith to a Tantric Master, I did not hesitate to unclothe, and then he also stripped off and we saw each other. He wanted me to use my left hand to touch my secret part and imagine that my hand was his. He asked if I was comfortable. He also masturbated himself. I wondered why he masturbated in front of me and weather he fell in love with me. If it was a secular love, I wanted to persuade him not to do so, but I thought he might need to decompress. We talked for a long time that night. After the cyber sex, we finally shut down the computer and we went to sleep in our own places separately.
From 2011 to 2015, there has been around ten times of video or phone sex. These virtual sex had its own sequences. The most complete one is as follows: First, he asks the woman to lie down and take off all the clothes. He tells the woman to imagine his face, and he kisss the woman’s face, and kiss the ears, kiss the neck, kiss the chest, kiss the breasts. He told the woman to use her own saliva to rub on her nipples, then imagine that he kiss the navel, using saliva to rub on the navel, and then imagine that he slowly “put in”, then he wants me to “moan”, every time when I couldn’t make a sound, he helps, “Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ah…” Then, he says “Hurry up”, then says he hugs, kiss, and when it is done, he usually says, “Sleep well” or “Sleep early”, and “Good night.” Once, in 2015, he also taught me how to masturbate, i.e. to insert a middle finger of my right hand. I said at that time: “There are nails, I am afraid of getting hurt.” He asked me to cut my nails first. He used video call to demonstrate how to touch a targeted place with a middle finger after inserting in. Later, I queried online and researched, and I found that place was called G-spot.
1-4-Karmapa Gave Girl Gifts
Since then, we have used Skype to maintain the relationship. Although I shaved to be a nun in March 2012, the relationship has not been terminated. The Coral rosary that the Karmapa gave me is not only a token of love, but also a religious blessing.
Although the Karmapa did not encourage me to learn vinaya, with his encouragement, I have tried to study Tibetan language and Dharma in India and Nepal. I started studying at Thrangu Tara Abbey in Nepal since 2014. After being positioned at the third place from the exam, I continued my studies there. After the Kathmandu Earthquake in Nepal in 2015, I experienced a barefoot escape from the third floor to the ground. After the quake, I lived in a tent with large groups of nuns, and the living conditions there were extremely bad. Karmapa sent a message: “Go back to Hong Kong first”. After returning to Hong Kong for half a year, Karmapa ordered me to return to Nepal. In 2016, I went to India with the nunnery nuns and I met the Karmapa. He gave me a box of Vitamin C and a colorful wooden top spinning with the six-syllable mantra painted.
In 2017, I attended Kagyu Monlam Prayers Gathering in Bodhgaya. For a period of time, he arranged me to work around him every day to help him write Refuge card. In March 2017, I was in poor health. I left India for Hong Kong to rest and I lived in a Buddhist temple of Chinese Mahayana tradition. In my life up until that moment, I felt that, on one hand, he was a compassionate guru. On the other hand, I felt that he has personal love and affection to me, but it was the cause creating my rational and emotional contradictions.
1-5- Karmapa Did Not Contact me as Promised
Since the Karmapa called me in March 2017, I have not received any messages from him. He knew that I lived in the temple, and said that I was very great. I didn’t know how great it was. That was just my karmic relationship with Chinese Mahayana Buddhism. Before I got in touch with Tibetan Buddhism, I had come in touch with Chinese Mahayana Buddhism. On May 8, 2017, Karmapa made two Skype phone calls to me at 1:02AM and 1:14AM in Hong Kong time, but no one spoke to me and that were hung up. There was no more news from him since then. Days passed day after day, I sent him messages to report everything as before, but he had no responses, but I did not forget him, and my heart was mixed in feelings and was hurt. I began to doubt his love and commitment, that he promised to connect with me every day and loved me forever and that him will be there for everything.
When I haven’t received any messages from the Karmapa, I still kept sending messages, but still I didn’t hear anything from him. So, I thought about breaking up our abnormal relationship, and I vowed to be Bhikshuni, to guard the disciplines, and to be a true Sangha member. I aspired not to get into the indulgence in this love craving, and vowed to break up with him.
1-6- Karmapa Did Not Allow Me to Take Nun Vows
On February 16, 2018, on the first day of the Lunar New Year, I finally got news from the Karmapa. My Dharma friend, Baoguan, told Karmapa about my request of taking the bhikshuni vows, and asked him to sign on the filled application form for taking bhikshuni vows. I was waiting for his signature in Hong Kong, but that wish to be fully ordained was shattered. Karmapa did not agree with me for taking up the precepts.
1-7- Karmapa Summoned Me to the United States
The Karmapa summoned me to the United States, and said that the sooner the better, and that he had not received my messages in that year. By coincident, a Dharma friend of mine, Wanda, wanted me to take her to see the Dharma King. She sponsored me round tickets to go to America. At that time, I found a person called Tashi, who was working as computer engineer for the King, to help me pass the message to the King. The King also asked Tashi to send a message saying that it was right for me to stay in KTD. So, Wanda and I applied for a US visa. At the end of March, we arrived in New York.
1-8- Karmapa Flirting with Girls
My friend Wanda and I have just arrived at KTD. At 12 o’clock in the evening, I received a message from the staff of the Dharma King, Tashi, saying that the King told me to go to a lake house in Mohegan Lake at 8 am the next morning. We waited until about 1 pm in the Lake House, and the King came out to eat. He asked me to sit down with my friend at the table where he was eating. My friend and I sat on his right hand; he sat in the chairman seat. He ate vegetarian food and Cordyceps. Bottles of a vitamin B and a Chinese medicine pills were put next to it. Karmapa talked to us while eating. My friend was sitting a little farer, but her left ear is deaf. He first asked who my friend was. My friend couldn’t hear the words of the King. So I spoke loudly to transfer the words between them.
The Karmapa suddenly stopped chewing and gave me a gesture to draw me get close to him. He said to me with a very gentle voice: “You used to disobey me. You should listen to me later on.” Karmapa meant that when he told me not to be nun, but I didn’t obey. After the meal, Karmapa let us get on their car and follow his team to New York City. We first went to a showroom with his staff to see the Benz Seven.
Then we went to a house in Whitestone. I had nothing to do and sat in a corner in the kitchen, sitting on a chair and meditating cross-legged. Suddenly, he took away my glasses and put them on. My friend Wanda saw it and was astounded. Karmapa told me how to fold and place my nun dress under my legs when I meditate, and then he demonstrated the way of folding dress for meditation. When I saluted him with my palms placed together, he wrapped my hands with his both hands. Then, Karmapa went to the kitchen and played the Bingo Chess Game with a Beijing young girl, named Ashley, and I was meditating nearby. While Karmapa was playing bingo chess game with Ashley, he turned to talk to me.
I asked him, “How have you been recently?”
He said: “Still ok.”
I asked him, “Have you recently...”
I wanted to ask him if he has had masturbation recently, and ask him if he has had a girlfriend recently. The reason I wanted to ask these questions was that he always masturbated when he was online having cyber sex, and he said that I was his “girlfriend”. But I didn’t dare utter the words out at that time. So I went to bathroom and continued to meditate.
Later, the Karmapa held my hand and we went into the hall, and the people sitting in the hall all walked away, leaving us both. He asked me to sit beside him and gently asked a question to my ear: “Have you ever missed me?” I said aloud: “Yes!” He forbade me to speak out loud. Then I sighed: “But that person has died.” What I meant was he used to be absent because he had not contacted me for a year. After that, we went to dine in Private Kitchen, but it kept a group of around ten people led by the Karmapa to have waited for more than 5 minutes at the door, so the Karmapa stopped waiting anymore. My friend said the King was angry. The Dharma King took the group of people walking on the cold streets. It was the first time in my life that I followed the Karmapa and his team on the street in the dark night. At about 10 o’clock in the evening, we haven’t eaten yet. We went to the One Hotel. At the entrance of the hotel, there was a group of nuns and the devotees holding hata, greeting white scarfs, welcoming and waiting for the King. The Karmapa’s face changed suddenly. The Karmapa finally let Wanda and I stay in our hotel rooms to “call the room service to eat”. I felt tired, so I went back to my room and rested.
1-9-Girls Stupidly fell into Emotional Trap
In the hotel, I thought of the oath I took on March 11, 2018 that I would return the coral rosary, which was Karmapa’s original belonging, to the King. At that time, I knew that I should be a bhikshuni well in the future, so I shall return that rosary to him. I thought I should break up with him and so I decided to return the coral rosary the next time I see him. At that time, I thought I would be able to let it go from my heart after returning the rosary to him. At that time, I thought: we would go our own ways in future. So on March 28, 2018, at KTD, I returned the coral rosary to him and said, “I help you!” My friend saw the Karmapa was stunned at the time. He told us a date, and later, Wanda and I went to see to him again.
On March 30, 2018, he asked me to wait for him to come back at the lake house. I asked him when he would return. He replied me: “After an hour.” That moment, I thought that was impossible. He would for sure come back when the sun goes down. He also let Ashley stay in the lake house waiting for him to come back. The Beijing girl was then in a bad mood. When she watched TV while she is typing on her mobile phone, I thought she might probably be sending messages to him. I thought she should have been going out with him. I waited in the lake house until the sun went down, and Karmapa came back very late. He said that he went to meet guests, so he came back late.
At about 8 pm on March 30, 2018, Karmapa brought my friend Wanda and I to enter his private house where he lived. He closed the door and there were only three of us in the house. My friend asked him questions for Dharma. After that, Karmapa asked me what questions I had. I was speechless. The Karmapa suddenly interrupted me and said, “You skirt is not dressed correctly.” I asked, “How is it wrong?” He said, “This is not right to dress like that.” I asked, “How should I wear it?” Then he let me get into his bedroom.
In his bedroom, I saw a tall big bed and his underwear hung up on the wall. In the room, we untied the belt. He showed me how to wear the skirt. I still didn't know how to fold correctly. I asked him, “How to wear?”He helped me fold the skirt behind me and then fastened up the belt tightly. He then gently hugged me from my back. I turned around to hold him, and we started to kiss. I asked him, “Do you have any other girlfriends?” He didn’t answer me. I asked him a few times. He didn't answer. Suddenly he said that he was going out. His so-called busyness was to go to the kitchen to cook vegetables. When he almost reached to the kitchen, he said, “The moon is beautiful tonight.” Then, someone immediately took pictures of the moon and showed them to the King.
What I saw next was that Ashley cried secretly, and my intuition told me that there was an unusual relationship between them, and I wondered why the King had let Ashley go to the lake house every day. After that, the Karmapa and Ashley cooked together. I also wanted to help cook, and Karmapa said to me, “You know it? You don’t know how to cook.” He was consoling Ashley and wanted me to get away. Seeing them stand closely together and whispering softly, I walked away to watch TV. Later, I went into the kitchen to see him again. He was still standing very closely to Ashley. I sat next to him and help him get the mushroom rolls wrapped.
That night, I asked him why he didn’t reply my messages last year. He said, “I didn’t receive it.” I asked him, “Are you not replying deliberately?” He shook his head and said, “No.” “You didn’t want to contact me?” Then he suddenly put on a poor ghost crying face.
That night, he told me that he wouldn’t cook dishes often, and we just ate it once, and we wouldn’t have a chance to eat it later. I sat down, and my opposite was Ashley. The King was eating in the distant chairman seat. The dishes of green vegetables fried by the King have been put on for a long time and have turned yellow. I found it hard to eat, but I must eat it. At that time, I thought that was a blessing of a Guru, and I must finish it. When I was eating, he criticized me with Ashley loudly: “What do you think she is practicing?! She practices emptiness! Both her hands are empty!!!” His words made me regret to return his rosary. Then he kept saying that I was “the richest Ani in Hong Kong.” In fact, I didn’t have any savings at all. How much cash I had with me was all I had. I haven’t even had a credit card. And he said that I was “empty-handed”. That was ironic that I had neither money nor coral rosary. At that time my mood was disturbed by his words and behavior. Karmapa arranged hotel rooms for Wanda and me since it was very late. Because my thoughts and feelings were too confusingly mixed, I couldn’t sleep that night.
1-10- Karmapa is pleased to Provoke Girls
The next day, on March 31, 2018, in the morning, my friend and I went to the lake house again. That morning, I saw my coral rosary with the mala bag was on the eating table. Their vegetable juice dripped down onto the bag of the rosary. I asked my friend: “Why is my rosary here?” My friend said: “The King has given this rosary to Ashley. It was already in her hands yesterday. Didn’t you see it?”
I thought this rosary was what I have kept for six years. Although it was the only rosary that he wore on his neck from Tibet to India, for the past six years, I have worn it. So it belongs to me, I thought. I used this rosary even when my Grand-grandmother died. Although it was a token of love, I also regarded it as a spiritual blessing from a Buddha. From time to time, this rosary accompanied me going everywhere, to India, Nepal and other places, accompanied me across the edge of death. Immediately, I took away the coral rosary from the table and put it in my bag.
At about one o’clock in the afternoon, the King came out to have brunch. When I saw him, I said to him, “I have already taken back the coral rosary.” He then said, “You can’t take it back.” When he sat down to eat, he let me sit down and I began to cry. I said, “ I regret it. Now I don’t want to give you back the rosary. It has been with me for so many years.” All the staff of the King, including Ashley, looked at me.
I said, “I think you have already changed.”
He said: “I think you have changed.”
What I could do was crying and my tears were falling.
He said, “Ah. You didn’t sleep last night. There are dark circles.”
I only kept crying.
The King suddenly stopped eating. He left his seat, rose up and walked into his house. When he came back, he took two things out of his hands and said that he would exchange the rosary in my bag with those two things, one is a string of new coral rosary, and the other is a watch he has worn for a long time.
Karmapa said: “This coral rosary is very expensive and better than the old one.” But I didn’t want to return his old coral rosary. The watch belt was too loose. He used a fork to adjust the length of the watch belt, and helped me with wearing it on my wrist. He then said “impermanence.” I still didn’t want to return his old coral rosary.
He went on saying, “This rosary is exchanged into three gifts. The first one is the new coral rosary; the second one is the watch; and as for the third one, I will give it to you tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.” After all, I still didn’t want to return his rosary. So, he commanded his Tashi to take my bag. Tashi listened to him and took my bag to his Majesty.
The King wanted to open my bag, so I shouted and said: “No. This is America. I have privacy. Do not open my bag.” I defend my rosary with all my life energy. So I snatched the bag with him. Tashi couldn’t help the Majesty. The King almost had to fall back with the chair, but fortunately Tashi saved the Majesty and supported the King. Everyone at the scene was stunned.
The King’s eyes widened up looking towards me and said, “You are very bold.” I said, “How can you give it to others?” He said, “I didn’t give it, just to lend it for use.” I said, “You promised me. Don’t give it to others in the future.” He promised me. I said, “You swear.” He raised his eyes and looked up at me. He said, “You are very bold.” He said, “Well, you don’t give it back to me. I don't talk to you.”
So, I had to grab that string of historically valuable rosary from my backpack and give it to him. But as for the mala bag, I did not return to him. The King gave me that bag together with Adarshah Gangkyur USB in 2017. So, I only took back the rosary bag, and the precious coral rosary was finally returned to him.
I couldn’t snatch back the rosary that day. The King let us go to the lake house the next day. He said we could check out the KTD rooms and move down.
So we set off for KTD to pack our bags and prepared to move to the area near the King’s house. The King helped us arrange Uber. When we reached the gateway and were about to get into a car, the King and the fat security guard ran side by side from the other end of the bridge to my end. He said: “Running like this is good for health.” He said again that he would give me the third gift tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. However, he did not tell me specifically what the third gift was. Then Wanda and I got in the car.
1-11- Karmapa’s Orders always Changing
On April 2, 2018, at one o’clock in the afternoon, the King came out for brunch. I asked him: “I’m flying tomorrow with my return ticket. Do I need to stay in the US?” He asked me, “I haven’t told you already to stay?” Then he took me to a hidden place where no one else was there. He gently touched my chin with a finger and gently asked near my ear: “How old are you?” I replied: “I am one year older than you, I was born in 1984.” However, the signal that the King always gave me was to let me stay with him for a long term. In the afternoon on April 2, 2018, he said to me:
“Stay in the United States.”
But I told him that I had a working agreement signed with the Hong Kong Buddhist Association and my work has not been completed. He continued to eat while listening to me. Suddenly, he drew a line along my eyebrows with the other end of his chopstick and said “good-looking.” Suddenly, he said to me very seriously: “I will offer Master ‘$10 million.’” My friend and I, we both thanked the King for his kindness with our palms held together. He said: “I offer to seafood.”
Later, Karmapa let my friend and I follow the team to go shopping. He went to a famous shop of selling glasses to see sunglasses. Ashley, who wore a fashionable black British skirt and coat with sunglasses put on, followed the King, and helped the King to look for glasses. The King tried on different pairs of sunglasses and showed handsome looks. In that scene, I saw a handsome man and a pretty woman. I could only watch and smirk in the distance. Suddenly, the king gave me a sign to get closer to him. I was embarrassed to go to him. He suddenly changed his order and said,
“You go back to Hong Kong first.”
He asked me why I was holding a coat in hand. I said, “Because the weather is cold.”
1-12-Karmapa Liked Making New Girlfriends
We continued to go shopping and went to some art and stationery stores. Seeing Ashley helping him choose pen tips, her performance was quite professional. I saw him touching her hands, so I followed up. He went back and whispered but said to me harshly: “You go away.” At that time, I am reminded of the fact that in India in 2017, he also used an excuse of voluntary work to get close to me and touched my fingers. I asked him, “I can't add your Skype. We haven’t contacted yet.” He asked, “Why do you want to tell others?” I said, “Because I am anxious.” He said: “If you are anxious, jump into river; if you are not, wait for the death.” He repeated the same sentence:
“If you are anxious, jump into river; if you are not, wait for the death.”
Then he put a plastic fly into my hand. At that time, I wanted to rush out of the road and let a car crash on me. I now realize that that is a language violence that teaches suicide. In the evening, we went to eat Chinese food together, and Ashley sat naturally beside him. He kept making various jokes, including asking me to drink wine and eat meat. The Karmapa also ordered the lamb for me to eat. I didn’t listen to him. Later, the bodyguards ate up the mutton. My tofu rice was finished. I tried hard to act like meeting strangers for the first time and I became hypocritical and laughed.
1-13- Karmapa Good at Giving Helps
After dinner, we went back to the lake house. Ashley like a staff member could enter the lake house casually, and Wanda and I were banned from entering. However, our luggage was inside the house. The King helped me carry my luggage. I told him, “Will you appear at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning?” He said, “Yes.” Then he grabbed my hands and pulled back and said to me, “You. This bad thing.” Then the Karmapa was like locking handcuffs to a prisoner and sending the prisoner to a car. That night, it was very late to get into a hotel. We had to grab a good time to rest for a while, and we had to get up a bit earlier to go to the lake house to see the Karmapa the next morning.
Since then, we have used Skype to maintain the relationship. Although I shaved to be a nun in March 2012, the relationship has not been terminated. The Coral rosary that the Karmapa gave me is not only a token of love, but also a religious blessing.
Although the Karmapa did not encourage me to learn vinaya, with his encouragement, I have tried to study Tibetan language and Dharma in India and Nepal. I started studying at Thrangu Tara Abbey in Nepal since 2014. After being positioned at the third place from the exam, I continued my studies there. After the Kathmandu Earthquake in Nepal in 2015, I experienced a barefoot escape from the third floor to the ground. After the quake, I lived in a tent with large groups of nuns, and the living conditions there were extremely bad. Karmapa sent a message: “Go back to Hong Kong first”. After returning to Hong Kong for half a year, Karmapa ordered me to return to Nepal. In 2016, I went to India with the nunnery nuns and I met the Karmapa. He gave me a box of Vitamin C and a colorful wooden top spinning with the six-syllable mantra painted.
In 2017, I attended Kagyu Monlam Prayers Gathering in Bodhgaya. For a period of time, he arranged me to work around him every day to help him write Refuge card. In March 2017, I was in poor health. I left India for Hong Kong to rest and I lived in a Buddhist temple of Chinese Mahayana tradition. In my life up until that moment, I felt that, on one hand, he was a compassionate guru. On the other hand, I felt that he has personal love and affection to me, but it was the cause creating my rational and emotional contradictions.
1-5- Karmapa Did Not Contact me as Promised
Since the Karmapa called me in March 2017, I have not received any messages from him. He knew that I lived in the temple, and said that I was very great. I didn’t know how great it was. That was just my karmic relationship with Chinese Mahayana Buddhism. Before I got in touch with Tibetan Buddhism, I had come in touch with Chinese Mahayana Buddhism. On May 8, 2017, Karmapa made two Skype phone calls to me at 1:02AM and 1:14AM in Hong Kong time, but no one spoke to me and that were hung up. There was no more news from him since then. Days passed day after day, I sent him messages to report everything as before, but he had no responses, but I did not forget him, and my heart was mixed in feelings and was hurt. I began to doubt his love and commitment, that he promised to connect with me every day and loved me forever and that him will be there for everything.
When I haven’t received any messages from the Karmapa, I still kept sending messages, but still I didn’t hear anything from him. So, I thought about breaking up our abnormal relationship, and I vowed to be Bhikshuni, to guard the disciplines, and to be a true Sangha member. I aspired not to get into the indulgence in this love craving, and vowed to break up with him.
1-6- Karmapa Did Not Allow Me to Take Nun Vows
On February 16, 2018, on the first day of the Lunar New Year, I finally got news from the Karmapa. My Dharma friend, Baoguan, told Karmapa about my request of taking the bhikshuni vows, and asked him to sign on the filled application form for taking bhikshuni vows. I was waiting for his signature in Hong Kong, but that wish to be fully ordained was shattered. Karmapa did not agree with me for taking up the precepts.
1-7- Karmapa Summoned Me to the United States
The Karmapa summoned me to the United States, and said that the sooner the better, and that he had not received my messages in that year. By coincident, a Dharma friend of mine, Wanda, wanted me to take her to see the Dharma King. She sponsored me round tickets to go to America. At that time, I found a person called Tashi, who was working as computer engineer for the King, to help me pass the message to the King. The King also asked Tashi to send a message saying that it was right for me to stay in KTD. So, Wanda and I applied for a US visa. At the end of March, we arrived in New York.
1-8- Karmapa Flirting with Girls
My friend Wanda and I have just arrived at KTD. At 12 o’clock in the evening, I received a message from the staff of the Dharma King, Tashi, saying that the King told me to go to a lake house in Mohegan Lake at 8 am the next morning. We waited until about 1 pm in the Lake House, and the King came out to eat. He asked me to sit down with my friend at the table where he was eating. My friend and I sat on his right hand; he sat in the chairman seat. He ate vegetarian food and Cordyceps. Bottles of a vitamin B and a Chinese medicine pills were put next to it. Karmapa talked to us while eating. My friend was sitting a little farer, but her left ear is deaf. He first asked who my friend was. My friend couldn’t hear the words of the King. So I spoke loudly to transfer the words between them.
The Karmapa suddenly stopped chewing and gave me a gesture to draw me get close to him. He said to me with a very gentle voice: “You used to disobey me. You should listen to me later on.” Karmapa meant that when he told me not to be nun, but I didn’t obey. After the meal, Karmapa let us get on their car and follow his team to New York City. We first went to a showroom with his staff to see the Benz Seven.
Then we went to a house in Whitestone. I had nothing to do and sat in a corner in the kitchen, sitting on a chair and meditating cross-legged. Suddenly, he took away my glasses and put them on. My friend Wanda saw it and was astounded. Karmapa told me how to fold and place my nun dress under my legs when I meditate, and then he demonstrated the way of folding dress for meditation. When I saluted him with my palms placed together, he wrapped my hands with his both hands. Then, Karmapa went to the kitchen and played the Bingo Chess Game with a Beijing young girl, named Ashley, and I was meditating nearby. While Karmapa was playing bingo chess game with Ashley, he turned to talk to me.
I asked him, “How have you been recently?”
He said: “Still ok.”
I asked him, “Have you recently...”
I wanted to ask him if he has had masturbation recently, and ask him if he has had a girlfriend recently. The reason I wanted to ask these questions was that he always masturbated when he was online having cyber sex, and he said that I was his “girlfriend”. But I didn’t dare utter the words out at that time. So I went to bathroom and continued to meditate.
Later, the Karmapa held my hand and we went into the hall, and the people sitting in the hall all walked away, leaving us both. He asked me to sit beside him and gently asked a question to my ear: “Have you ever missed me?” I said aloud: “Yes!” He forbade me to speak out loud. Then I sighed: “But that person has died.” What I meant was he used to be absent because he had not contacted me for a year. After that, we went to dine in Private Kitchen, but it kept a group of around ten people led by the Karmapa to have waited for more than 5 minutes at the door, so the Karmapa stopped waiting anymore. My friend said the King was angry. The Dharma King took the group of people walking on the cold streets. It was the first time in my life that I followed the Karmapa and his team on the street in the dark night. At about 10 o’clock in the evening, we haven’t eaten yet. We went to the One Hotel. At the entrance of the hotel, there was a group of nuns and the devotees holding hata, greeting white scarfs, welcoming and waiting for the King. The Karmapa’s face changed suddenly. The Karmapa finally let Wanda and I stay in our hotel rooms to “call the room service to eat”. I felt tired, so I went back to my room and rested.
1-9-Girls Stupidly fell into Emotional Trap
In the hotel, I thought of the oath I took on March 11, 2018 that I would return the coral rosary, which was Karmapa’s original belonging, to the King. At that time, I knew that I should be a bhikshuni well in the future, so I shall return that rosary to him. I thought I should break up with him and so I decided to return the coral rosary the next time I see him. At that time, I thought I would be able to let it go from my heart after returning the rosary to him. At that time, I thought: we would go our own ways in future. So on March 28, 2018, at KTD, I returned the coral rosary to him and said, “I help you!” My friend saw the Karmapa was stunned at the time. He told us a date, and later, Wanda and I went to see to him again.
On March 30, 2018, he asked me to wait for him to come back at the lake house. I asked him when he would return. He replied me: “After an hour.” That moment, I thought that was impossible. He would for sure come back when the sun goes down. He also let Ashley stay in the lake house waiting for him to come back. The Beijing girl was then in a bad mood. When she watched TV while she is typing on her mobile phone, I thought she might probably be sending messages to him. I thought she should have been going out with him. I waited in the lake house until the sun went down, and Karmapa came back very late. He said that he went to meet guests, so he came back late.
At about 8 pm on March 30, 2018, Karmapa brought my friend Wanda and I to enter his private house where he lived. He closed the door and there were only three of us in the house. My friend asked him questions for Dharma. After that, Karmapa asked me what questions I had. I was speechless. The Karmapa suddenly interrupted me and said, “You skirt is not dressed correctly.” I asked, “How is it wrong?” He said, “This is not right to dress like that.” I asked, “How should I wear it?” Then he let me get into his bedroom.
In his bedroom, I saw a tall big bed and his underwear hung up on the wall. In the room, we untied the belt. He showed me how to wear the skirt. I still didn't know how to fold correctly. I asked him, “How to wear?”He helped me fold the skirt behind me and then fastened up the belt tightly. He then gently hugged me from my back. I turned around to hold him, and we started to kiss. I asked him, “Do you have any other girlfriends?” He didn’t answer me. I asked him a few times. He didn't answer. Suddenly he said that he was going out. His so-called busyness was to go to the kitchen to cook vegetables. When he almost reached to the kitchen, he said, “The moon is beautiful tonight.” Then, someone immediately took pictures of the moon and showed them to the King.
What I saw next was that Ashley cried secretly, and my intuition told me that there was an unusual relationship between them, and I wondered why the King had let Ashley go to the lake house every day. After that, the Karmapa and Ashley cooked together. I also wanted to help cook, and Karmapa said to me, “You know it? You don’t know how to cook.” He was consoling Ashley and wanted me to get away. Seeing them stand closely together and whispering softly, I walked away to watch TV. Later, I went into the kitchen to see him again. He was still standing very closely to Ashley. I sat next to him and help him get the mushroom rolls wrapped.
That night, I asked him why he didn’t reply my messages last year. He said, “I didn’t receive it.” I asked him, “Are you not replying deliberately?” He shook his head and said, “No.” “You didn’t want to contact me?” Then he suddenly put on a poor ghost crying face.
That night, he told me that he wouldn’t cook dishes often, and we just ate it once, and we wouldn’t have a chance to eat it later. I sat down, and my opposite was Ashley. The King was eating in the distant chairman seat. The dishes of green vegetables fried by the King have been put on for a long time and have turned yellow. I found it hard to eat, but I must eat it. At that time, I thought that was a blessing of a Guru, and I must finish it. When I was eating, he criticized me with Ashley loudly: “What do you think she is practicing?! She practices emptiness! Both her hands are empty!!!” His words made me regret to return his rosary. Then he kept saying that I was “the richest Ani in Hong Kong.” In fact, I didn’t have any savings at all. How much cash I had with me was all I had. I haven’t even had a credit card. And he said that I was “empty-handed”. That was ironic that I had neither money nor coral rosary. At that time my mood was disturbed by his words and behavior. Karmapa arranged hotel rooms for Wanda and me since it was very late. Because my thoughts and feelings were too confusingly mixed, I couldn’t sleep that night.
1-10- Karmapa is pleased to Provoke Girls
The next day, on March 31, 2018, in the morning, my friend and I went to the lake house again. That morning, I saw my coral rosary with the mala bag was on the eating table. Their vegetable juice dripped down onto the bag of the rosary. I asked my friend: “Why is my rosary here?” My friend said: “The King has given this rosary to Ashley. It was already in her hands yesterday. Didn’t you see it?”
I thought this rosary was what I have kept for six years. Although it was the only rosary that he wore on his neck from Tibet to India, for the past six years, I have worn it. So it belongs to me, I thought. I used this rosary even when my Grand-grandmother died. Although it was a token of love, I also regarded it as a spiritual blessing from a Buddha. From time to time, this rosary accompanied me going everywhere, to India, Nepal and other places, accompanied me across the edge of death. Immediately, I took away the coral rosary from the table and put it in my bag.
At about one o’clock in the afternoon, the King came out to have brunch. When I saw him, I said to him, “I have already taken back the coral rosary.” He then said, “You can’t take it back.” When he sat down to eat, he let me sit down and I began to cry. I said, “ I regret it. Now I don’t want to give you back the rosary. It has been with me for so many years.” All the staff of the King, including Ashley, looked at me.
I said, “I think you have already changed.”
He said: “I think you have changed.”
What I could do was crying and my tears were falling.
He said, “Ah. You didn’t sleep last night. There are dark circles.”
I only kept crying.
The King suddenly stopped eating. He left his seat, rose up and walked into his house. When he came back, he took two things out of his hands and said that he would exchange the rosary in my bag with those two things, one is a string of new coral rosary, and the other is a watch he has worn for a long time.
Karmapa said: “This coral rosary is very expensive and better than the old one.” But I didn’t want to return his old coral rosary. The watch belt was too loose. He used a fork to adjust the length of the watch belt, and helped me with wearing it on my wrist. He then said “impermanence.” I still didn’t want to return his old coral rosary.
He went on saying, “This rosary is exchanged into three gifts. The first one is the new coral rosary; the second one is the watch; and as for the third one, I will give it to you tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.” After all, I still didn’t want to return his rosary. So, he commanded his Tashi to take my bag. Tashi listened to him and took my bag to his Majesty.
The King wanted to open my bag, so I shouted and said: “No. This is America. I have privacy. Do not open my bag.” I defend my rosary with all my life energy. So I snatched the bag with him. Tashi couldn’t help the Majesty. The King almost had to fall back with the chair, but fortunately Tashi saved the Majesty and supported the King. Everyone at the scene was stunned.
The King’s eyes widened up looking towards me and said, “You are very bold.” I said, “How can you give it to others?” He said, “I didn’t give it, just to lend it for use.” I said, “You promised me. Don’t give it to others in the future.” He promised me. I said, “You swear.” He raised his eyes and looked up at me. He said, “You are very bold.” He said, “Well, you don’t give it back to me. I don't talk to you.”
So, I had to grab that string of historically valuable rosary from my backpack and give it to him. But as for the mala bag, I did not return to him. The King gave me that bag together with Adarshah Gangkyur USB in 2017. So, I only took back the rosary bag, and the precious coral rosary was finally returned to him.
I couldn’t snatch back the rosary that day. The King let us go to the lake house the next day. He said we could check out the KTD rooms and move down.
So we set off for KTD to pack our bags and prepared to move to the area near the King’s house. The King helped us arrange Uber. When we reached the gateway and were about to get into a car, the King and the fat security guard ran side by side from the other end of the bridge to my end. He said: “Running like this is good for health.” He said again that he would give me the third gift tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. However, he did not tell me specifically what the third gift was. Then Wanda and I got in the car.
1-11- Karmapa’s Orders always Changing
On April 2, 2018, at one o’clock in the afternoon, the King came out for brunch. I asked him: “I’m flying tomorrow with my return ticket. Do I need to stay in the US?” He asked me, “I haven’t told you already to stay?” Then he took me to a hidden place where no one else was there. He gently touched my chin with a finger and gently asked near my ear: “How old are you?” I replied: “I am one year older than you, I was born in 1984.” However, the signal that the King always gave me was to let me stay with him for a long term. In the afternoon on April 2, 2018, he said to me:
“Stay in the United States.”
But I told him that I had a working agreement signed with the Hong Kong Buddhist Association and my work has not been completed. He continued to eat while listening to me. Suddenly, he drew a line along my eyebrows with the other end of his chopstick and said “good-looking.” Suddenly, he said to me very seriously: “I will offer Master ‘$10 million.’” My friend and I, we both thanked the King for his kindness with our palms held together. He said: “I offer to seafood.”
Later, Karmapa let my friend and I follow the team to go shopping. He went to a famous shop of selling glasses to see sunglasses. Ashley, who wore a fashionable black British skirt and coat with sunglasses put on, followed the King, and helped the King to look for glasses. The King tried on different pairs of sunglasses and showed handsome looks. In that scene, I saw a handsome man and a pretty woman. I could only watch and smirk in the distance. Suddenly, the king gave me a sign to get closer to him. I was embarrassed to go to him. He suddenly changed his order and said,
“You go back to Hong Kong first.”
He asked me why I was holding a coat in hand. I said, “Because the weather is cold.”
1-12-Karmapa Liked Making New Girlfriends
We continued to go shopping and went to some art and stationery stores. Seeing Ashley helping him choose pen tips, her performance was quite professional. I saw him touching her hands, so I followed up. He went back and whispered but said to me harshly: “You go away.” At that time, I am reminded of the fact that in India in 2017, he also used an excuse of voluntary work to get close to me and touched my fingers. I asked him, “I can't add your Skype. We haven’t contacted yet.” He asked, “Why do you want to tell others?” I said, “Because I am anxious.” He said: “If you are anxious, jump into river; if you are not, wait for the death.” He repeated the same sentence:
“If you are anxious, jump into river; if you are not, wait for the death.”
Then he put a plastic fly into my hand. At that time, I wanted to rush out of the road and let a car crash on me. I now realize that that is a language violence that teaches suicide. In the evening, we went to eat Chinese food together, and Ashley sat naturally beside him. He kept making various jokes, including asking me to drink wine and eat meat. The Karmapa also ordered the lamb for me to eat. I didn’t listen to him. Later, the bodyguards ate up the mutton. My tofu rice was finished. I tried hard to act like meeting strangers for the first time and I became hypocritical and laughed.
1-13- Karmapa Good at Giving Helps
After dinner, we went back to the lake house. Ashley like a staff member could enter the lake house casually, and Wanda and I were banned from entering. However, our luggage was inside the house. The King helped me carry my luggage. I told him, “Will you appear at 9 o’clock tomorrow morning?” He said, “Yes.” Then he grabbed my hands and pulled back and said to me, “You. This bad thing.” Then the Karmapa was like locking handcuffs to a prisoner and sending the prisoner to a car. That night, it was very late to get into a hotel. We had to grab a good time to rest for a while, and we had to get up a bit earlier to go to the lake house to see the Karmapa the next morning.
Based on the above various reasons, experiences and emotional relationships over the years, I did not cut off the relationship with Karmapa in time, but I became more and more confused about the love of Karmapa, thus leading to a subsequent ambiguity. He continues to develop the intimate relationship with me in the result.
2-Proximate Causes
2-1-Karmapa Dismissed his Entourage
Because of the various backgrounds and entangled emotional relationships, when facing the fact that we are about to part, there might be attachment or reluctance to part. On April 3, 2018, my friend Wanda and I were ready to leave the United States for Hong Kong. We arrived at the lake house at 9:30 in the morning. The sex incident took place at a house in the Mohegan Lake, New York, in a private brown lake house. At about ten in the morning, the King came out to take us into his house. He locked the house door and left all his attendants and bodyguards out of his brown house. There were only Karmapa, my friend Wanda and I in the house.
2-2- Karmapa Made Human-Free Space
In the living room of the house, my friend asked the King for to give oral transmission of the White Tara practice. After the transmission done, he let me scanned his LINE scan code and he walked into another small hall to caress the guzheng, a musical instrument in his house, and I followed him to play his guzheng. Later, he let me get into his bedroom, and then he came after me to the room and closed the door and buckled it.
After the sexual relationship, I have had a lot of mental struggles. Since the sexual behavior is conflicting to the pure Dharma, I reflected on my own behavior, and I found I was very sinful, confused and regretful. When I was so lost in the relationship with the Karmapa, I even thought of suicide, and I was seriously troubled. Although I have not been a bhikshuni, I felt that the relationship was not good, so I was spiritually self-condemned in terms of ethics and morality.
4-2- Was Expelled from Nunnery
After returning to Hong Kong, I honestly told my real story regarding the sexual relationship with Karmapa to two of my masters. As a result, I was expelled from the nunnery and could not live with the Sangha community. I repented in front of the Buddha in the main hall and vowed never to commit the same mistake again, and stopped it.
The origination of the first sexual relationship with Karmapa, its process and its impact are completely described.
#Metoo
#Metoointibetanbuddhism
#Thekarmapasexscandal
#大寶法王破戒交女友
#大寶法王性醜聞
Because of the various backgrounds and entangled emotional relationships, when facing the fact that we are about to part, there might be attachment or reluctance to part. On April 3, 2018, my friend Wanda and I were ready to leave the United States for Hong Kong. We arrived at the lake house at 9:30 in the morning. The sex incident took place at a house in the Mohegan Lake, New York, in a private brown lake house. At about ten in the morning, the King came out to take us into his house. He locked the house door and left all his attendants and bodyguards out of his brown house. There were only Karmapa, my friend Wanda and I in the house.
2-2- Karmapa Made Human-Free Space
In the living room of the house, my friend asked the King for to give oral transmission of the White Tara practice. After the transmission done, he let me scanned his LINE scan code and he walked into another small hall to caress the guzheng, a musical instrument in his house, and I followed him to play his guzheng. Later, he let me get into his bedroom, and then he came after me to the room and closed the door and buckled it.
3- Process
Then, there were only Karmapa and I in his bedroom. We started to hug and kiss. He only wore a skirt on the day, with no underwear or trousers or shorts, and it was very convenient for him to have sex. He took off my pants and pushed me to the bed. He was on top of me. Immediately had a first sexual relationship with me missionary position. He moved very fast and didn’t wear a condom. I felt pain in my secret part. Perhaps as he was afraid to have kept my friend waiting too long in the living room alone, he left the bedroom in a hurry. He then left me alone in his bedroom, and I too left the bedroom after I was dressed. Later, after my friend Wanda and Karmapa took photos with me, the Karmapa ordered his person to drive us to the airport. My friend and I took away the lunchboxes made by his staff. The Karmapa and the fat bodyguard saw us off and we said goodbye to each other. Karmapa told Wanda that he would see her again in this life and told me that he would see me in the next life. Unexpectedly, his predictions were inaccurate. Wanda died in December 2018. It was the last time they met in this life, and there was no chance to see each other again; and I met him again in May 2018.4- Impacts
4-1- Mental DistressAfter the sexual relationship, I have had a lot of mental struggles. Since the sexual behavior is conflicting to the pure Dharma, I reflected on my own behavior, and I found I was very sinful, confused and regretful. When I was so lost in the relationship with the Karmapa, I even thought of suicide, and I was seriously troubled. Although I have not been a bhikshuni, I felt that the relationship was not good, so I was spiritually self-condemned in terms of ethics and morality.
4-2- Was Expelled from Nunnery
After returning to Hong Kong, I honestly told my real story regarding the sexual relationship with Karmapa to two of my masters. As a result, I was expelled from the nunnery and could not live with the Sangha community. I repented in front of the Buddha in the main hall and vowed never to commit the same mistake again, and stopped it.
The origination of the first sexual relationship with Karmapa, its process and its impact are completely described.
#Metoo
#Metoointibetanbuddhism
#Thekarmapasexscandal
#大寶法王破戒交女友
#大寶法王性醜聞
